Monthly Archives: December 2006

sputnik II

“his father is missing. she sits beside him and talks to him. mildly at first, and then in halting words. no questions of why or how. only his words slid out of him. they’re not of a dam breaking; his words are simply a church window with small cracks, water seeping out. he hates his father, and thinks of the search activity as a routine, like a dental clinic visit or a dull confession. she doesn’t hug him. his sadness trips around the room. her mind swings between him and her female friend who has lost her orbit. too much loss of direction. where is the east? she asks herself.

she goes to a bar, and smokes haltingly. she asks the bartender questions, and puts him off with his malicious replies. i should get a gun, she thinks. not to shoot people, but to shoot myself for thinking too much. about him, about his father, about her. the song in her player goes, say good night and go. she’s been saying goodnight, but simply doesn’t go.

she brushes dust off her arms and wonders where to go next. the night is not friendly for people who can’t sleep. for them, the moon burns in anger, as furious as the sun, only colder. the moon knows where people hide, it has pockmarks because it holds all secrets in. tomorrow noon, she will try to go to the moon, and squeeze the cold and its stash out of it. it is one way of saving her friends, one way of ending this charade of hiding, not being ever found.”

my first take for my six-liner story:
door falls, they gasp, he shoots.
>> how did i do, sir adel?<<

caught off-guard

[8:19:11 PM] <xxxxxxxx> jojo, i forgot to tell you something
[8:22:27 PM] <egubat> yez?
[8:23:23 PM] <xxxxxxxx> i dreamt last night that you did something nice for me. i don’t know what it was. can’t remember. but whatever it is, thank you. even though it’s just a dream, i feel like it’s real
[8:24:57 PM] <egubat> crazy. ang baby. i hope i can do that in real life, though. thank you, too.
[8:25:45 PM] <xxxxxxxx> i’m sure you can. ur one of my good friends here. huwag ka magre-resign ha? promise? kasi masaya ko dito. nalulungkot ako pag may nawawala
[8:28:39 PM] <egubat> don’t worry…
[8:29:10 PM] <xxxxxxx> tahnks. i’m going in a while. bye jojo! c u tomorrow! i’ll bring ur gifts.

in the office, we have an internal YM called PSI. most of the time, i don’t use it; i feel it’s so far-out to message someone who’s only a few feet away from you; plus, it’s good to walk from one department to another and bug people at the same time. 🙂

one evening, as lots of us SA (that’s my own code name, sorry to be esoteric) were sweating our asses off to beat our deadlines, somebody sent me a set of messages via PSI. i’m not really into getting intimate with other people. i believe it’s helpful to have that sturdy wall around you. but this one managed to carve a chink on my wall. the messages were so innocently nice, coming straight from the heart, that all i sent back were somewhat vague messages. to think that this set of messages came from somebody who’s very childlike (i’m a putty when it comes to kids), i just had to have that warm, fuzzy feeling. darn. fyi: jojo is an expression from the movie, happy feet. this person calls me jojo after work (i hope it’s not because i look like a penguin). so, as usual, i am all tongue-tied, and ready to give you, my friend, a huge hug.



(wait for my future post on “little miss sunshine.” finally, i got to watch it. how do i feel about the movie? quoting one line from “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind:” “i can die right now…i’m just… happy. i’ve never felt that before.” i guess partly it’s because i’ve waited for this movie for almost eight months i don’t care if they show the movie in reverse with bengali lines— i’d still fall in love with it.)

a song from ben folds five

i love ben folds five. since high school, i was mesmerized by their song, “brick.” i stumbled upon their lyrics of “don’t change your plans,” and i got suckered in by the title. i got to relate this to a poem i made eons ago about two people on a ferris wheel car. it doesn’t sound too poignant, but it might be their last ride together inside that damned car, since they’ve got many things going on, many plans to fulfill, lots of trips to take on their own..

so to those personas in that poem, i wish that they’d meet again, and scour the globe for other carnivals—together.

don’t change your plans 

sometimes i get the feeling
that i won’t be on this planet
for very long
i really like it here
i’m quite attached to it
i hope i’m wrong

all i really wanna say
is you’re the reason i wanna stay
i loved you before i met you
and i met you just in time
’cause there was nothing left

i sat here on my suitcase
in our empty new apartment
until the sun went down
then i walked back down the stairs
with all my bags and drove away
you must be freaking out

all i know is i’ve gotta be
where my heart says i oughta be
it often makes no sense
in fact,
i never understand these things i feel

don’t change your plans for me
i won’t move to LA
the leaves are falling back east
that’s where i’m gonna stay

you have made me smile again
in fact, i might be sore from it
it’s been a while
i know we’ve been together many times before
i’ll see you on the other side

but don’t change your plans for me
i won’t move to LA
the leaves are falling back east
that’s where i’m going to stay

all i really wanna say
is you’re the reason i wanna stay
but destiny is calling and won’t hold
and when my time is up i’m outta here

all i know is i’ve gotta be
where my heart says i oughta be
it often makes no sense, in fact
i never understand these things,
i feel

i love you, goodbye
i love you, goodbye…


tainted love

“Could we stay right here til the end of time, til the earth stops turning? Wanna love you til the seas run dry….”

this is a scanned image of kurt cobain’s alleged suicide note.

i would have told you i was right behind you through slightly slurred words–because that’s how serious music fans are–they are into the music, never mind if the artist looks like an angel and speaks in tongues. but i was born too late, and aged too fast, and gagged on pain, and i was hundreds of miles away from you…and what could a little girl do to save a god-man bent on boarding the last car attached to the roller coaster that would careen off towards heaven? (february 20, 1967 – c. april 5, 1994)

“and i swear
that i dont have a gun
no i dont have a gun
no i dont have a gun”
–Nirvana, come as you are

lost angel

weight for me

let me tell you something about ducks and trees.
i didn’t like admu at first.
i was so deadset on going to UP, i almost had a placard made: UP or bust.
i made it a point to look forward to something, anything, to drive me to
like the school. and that’s when i fell in love with the ducks at Meron lagoon
and the fire trees in the campus. i held on to them, and they made me drag myself from my bedroom to the bathroom to the dresser to school.
you are one of my ducks.
the difference is you didn’t belong to any flock. naturally. you are a loner, like me, and we
found solace in our differences. i would never confess the depth of how i value our friendship, for fear of being too emotional or being misunderstood. or being shunned away. and so i looked forward to your laughter, because that is the one thing i had to master before beginning to sound a bit genuine, and real laughter is just so rare in my sphere.
and the time for you to fly to your own south is just around the corner.
one of my most loved poets is louise gluck. read:

First Memory

Long ago, I was wounded. I lived
to revenge myself
against my father, not
for what he was—
for what I was: from the beginning of time,
in childhood, I thought
that pain meant
I was not loved.
It meant I loved.

it meant i love. it meant we love. what a life. what a beautiful twisted life.
so everytime you give me a hug, grant me that extra second of moment in that embrace. before you fly off.


neruda: if you forget me

If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

a draft of a poem 2

about an invisible war

there seems to be a danger in twisting
things. you’re reading a letter
and overhearing a song.
you feel a jolt, as if you’re struck
by lightning, only it’s stronger
than bolts of electricity. you want to sit
it down, bottles spinning inside your head.
and then it comes to you–you want to see
a past lover and slap him:
you fool, your silence is stronger
than a boulder. you strap me onto it,
i roll down a mountainside, expecting
that i forget the weight of your hands.

the air cackles with burnt aromas,
and the jolt becomes common, slips in
while you’re feeding the animals,
stirs with you from the bed,
swims with you in the pool.
when you sing in the shower,
thicker steam rises;
your skin knows you are marked.
light reflected from hung swords
make you gnash your teeth,
make you shiver with the cold of light.