paradiso perduto


in one of the greatest books on earth, it was said that we are all the same from childhood to adulthood. and i think of estella from that book being taught to hurt men, as if it were a skill that could be measured by the number of hearts flopping at her feet. but there was hope, because a man—who seemed to be able to pull extra hearts from nowhere–came and stayed. that is from great expectations, my ultra-favorite book and movie–where everything goes in a circle, where rot and love belong in one place.

“what kind of creature leaves this woman, waiting like a fool? a man, a man does this, so men must pay…estella will make men weep. i taught her well. when she returns, she’ll cut through them like knife through butter.” [insert tori amos’s song, siren]

“know the chill, know she breaks, my siren…”

“what is it like not to feel anything?” finn asks estella. in the movie, he asks estella this awful question, his feet bare, his soles white, fleshy, ready to take on more beating.

“don’t you understand that everything i do, i do it for you? anything, that might be special in me is you.” after finn’s success at the gallery opening.

estella’s thoughts: i can walk you through life, hold your hand, point you to the most secret of gardens, drink with you in the fountain, let you hold a brush while we choose colors, swim with you in the ocean of my dreams. i will take your hand, dance with you across the room, and place your hand on my chest and ask you: my heart, it’s broken, can you feel it? and you will be confused, in the aftermath of our dance, you wonder, whose heart is really broken? you are afraid to look down at your feet.  

finn’s thoughts: it is madness to run after a cold woman, run after her on deserted streets, get cut by her stares, get run down by her words. but it is beyond madness to forget her. i paint her using brushes, colors, canvas, but i can’t hold her down. she comes in like an urgent message, and leaves me in a mess. she can’t be held down by the spinning world, but once she decides to offer a word or two of sudden kindness, then i know, that i am ready to go through this charade, this never-ending bruising of lives, this pyramid of pain, over and over again. [insert lyrics: “if i loved you for a day, then throw my life away….”]

fuck. i love this movie.

note: the phrase “pyramid of pain” is not mine; it was borrowed from the very detailed track list of the said movie. i just fell mightily in love with the beautiful phrase.


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