Monthly Archives: March 2007

a bit about vertigo, a bit about cars

the world needs its dreamers, may we never wake up. — paul weller

Lord, please don’t wake me up. it’s not even about taking the blue or red pill. it’s about taking my own pill, my yellow, sunshiny pill that tastes like sour gummy worms (yum!). thank you for everything. let me do what i really want, and i will be one of your most perverse, sincere, industrious servants.


my work spot is beside a window guarded by an irritating set of blinds. i love peering outside when it’s sunset, or whenever i hear boys shouting crazy stuff to one another. see, what’s below me is a huge field used as parking for toyota cars. some nights, the boys just turn on all headlights, and the cars are beautiful, like lighthouses lying on the ground. just five minutes ago, i saw a black car pulling out of its slot like a reluctant ghost. it was the lone source of light. it gave me a sense of vertigo. yes, i have that, that feeling of succumbing to falling. i’m not kidding, don’t leave me alone on a mountain peak, or a ferris wheel car, or on a ledge overlooking the city (say, antipolo) because i fall for the idea of falling. i am sucked into the heights. i told jaja this tendency exactly when we were inside the ferris wheel car a hundred feet above the ground. i will never forget the look on her face. (jaja, peace.)


our office walls, from orange like a glass of delicious OJ, are now grey.


all the more reason to jump off the ledge.

as an ode: grey office walls, i shoot myself.
: resurrected, i see grey walls, karma.

falling is in them all - rilke

to fly would be an awfully big adventure

an imagined affair_song

elbow is an alternative UK band that has only a minor following in america. which is good for people like me.

an imagined affair

a sky as black as regret
is rolling aside for the blue
impossible face to forget
these feelings belong in a zoo

she brings the morning
she, she brings the morning sun

so lost in the sound of her voice
i don’t even hear the words
when she says, come on get out
the past will find us out
come on get out please
and don’t breathe a word

she brings the morning
she, she brings the morning sun

but all this an imagined affair
while sitting in a bar spilling in a bar
i drink until the doorman is a christmas tree
and my speech is just a gas leak


more movies for MY happy viewing:

Lies (1999, directed by Jang Sun-Woo)
Happy End (1999, directed by Chung Ji-Woo)
Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance (2002)
Oldboy (2003)
Lady Vengeance (2005)
Everything is Illuminated (2005)

men, oh glorious men

i am a weakling for flicks with gore or with horror themes. whenever there are movie trailers of, say, saw or hannibal or other really terrifying movies, i am not ashamed to admit that i close my eyes. and sometimes, plug my ears, too.

i watched 300, and i had to close my eyes at the gory scenes: the time when leonidas the boy was whipped, the battles. admittedly, i had my eyes closed for the good part of the movie.

but the sound track and cinematography were amazing. i can go on and on about its merits, but i’ll spare you. what i can say is that i value the movie for giving me an experience of watching several series of paintings bursting on the screen with great sounds as background. it was as if i were watching reels and reels of comic book pages, and i were inside a room with dolby-powered songs playing, and that was enough to pump up my senses.

see, i watched 300, and i saw what man is for the first time.

i love these two scenes: the oracle-lady dancing. it was beautiful: the rippling silk, the taut skin, her words of finality and destruction; i also love the scene where leonidas and his men were pinned to the ground by hundreds of arrows. it was done via aerial shot, so the scene looked like a painting. i remembered juan luna’s spolarium; only, this movie’s scene had more urgency and drama.

the men were beautiful. granted, they had nice skin and ravishing bods, but the thing that attracted me to them was their devotion, their drive to fight for their ideals. in modern times, i see men like these: in control, rabid almost, addicted towards their objects of desire and passion. it’s hard, though, to equate today’s objects of desire to the movie’s time which valued sheer cunning abilities and violence.

i could go on and on about devotion, barbarism, violence, sexism, discrimination, freedom, loyalty, but they might just as well be discussed by other movie reviewers.

mine is different: in the wee hours of the night, i kept saying to myself, “ang ganda ng 300.” for a movie that crept into my mind in nocturnal hours, it must really be this captivating. it had enough omnipresence to invade my thoughts. and i relish those thoughts. i toyed with the movie’s scenes, wondered where the asian villains got all those fighting monsters, imagined leonidas’ skin touching flesh before being consumed by his desire to fight.

i have a colleague at work who missed getting to watch the movie on the opening night and the night after that due to a) work b) loooooooong lines. but the night after he saw the movie, he got sick. oh yes, he was drained because of work. but i would like to be a romantic now. he fell ill because he got overwhelmed by the movie he’d been dying to watch for months. he fell ill because he saw what it would be like to be a real man, to be consumed by something larger than himself. maybe, his atrophied muscles were jarred, shaken to the core. maybe his very center was raw, having taken a mental beating. this is how it is to be man. wham! this is how it is to love your country. boom! this is how it is to touch your only woman. whoa! and so he he fell ill, because it was all new to him, the revelation, the work that would come after it.

i thought it was a typical male flick. if we have chick flicks such as she’s all that, cruel intentions, etc., men have gladiator, fight club, braveheart. i was humbled. only this movie, 300, got into the minds and yes, underwear of women, without blatantly doing so. i think men ought to learn some essential things from this movie. oh well, here goes their learning curve.

to quote a male writer: the movie kicks ass.

yep, and it felt oh so good.

another dialogue

“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” ~John Lennon

that’s it. i’ve encountered this post twice within three days. i’m just posting this as a reminder to myself. after writing a fiction segment about john lennon, he’s now haunting me. is that how powerful he is?

what happens when you edit a 12-pager article, a 7-pager and a 4-pager in a row? you doubt if indeed you haven’t taken any hallucinogens since the world spins and your hands look larger than usual. save me. the undertow of listless words is too strong.


“i have my music player on right now. it’s on shuffle mode. the next song will be my song for you,” she says.

“oh. but you listen to rock, indie, grunge, a bit of celtic, clash, led zep, sex rock, and more angry tunes. the probability of my getting a nice song is nil,” he confesses.

“here goes.”

smashing pumpkins’ mellon collie and the infinite sadness plays on.

“i know that. that’s billy corgan’s.”

“see. it wasn’t bad at all,” she says.

“but it doesn’t have any words.”

“the title is more than enough, you see.”

the more you change, the less you feel

a photo for girls

(and for boys, too, if you so wish)


brad pitt and george clooney may very well think about having their dental appointment moved to another date or may feel itchy in their suits, but oh, man, they look so good.

look, even elmira is excited. 🙂



i once wrote about the only living mermaid in my life, my mentor. i discovered her blog, and i am in awe.

“my mermaid, god, i’m so excited to have stumbled upon your blog. everytime we cross paths, i feel it is God’s message that everything would be alright. now this, i am reading your blog, and your words slide and slip in my heart, and i am happy. email me, whatever, gibberish, trash, anything, just to have your words in my sphere. – eva,” – 4:23 AM

her reply? less than twenty words, but it was very meaningful. so is this how being truly sanctified feels?

she is. she is a writer to the very last breath of the very last letter of the very last word of her latest poem.

i am not linking her with my insipid blog. it’s similar to calling out to God and asking him if He can be my thesis partner.

woman of the blue