let me indulge—

(listening to michelle branch’s breathe)

april is my birthday month. after my stepmom died, i began hating birthdays and Christmas because they keep count the years piling up with no stepmom to spend them with. it makes you immensely sad to know that you are very sad deep down; no hands can even reach that room barred shut.

michelle branch is singing: if I just breathe/let it fill the space between/i’ll know everything is alright/Breathe/every little piece of me/you’ll see/everything is alright/if I just breathe

thank you, michelle branch.

getting an email from an acquaintance

i wrote something for burn magazine in the section, grace note. this acquaintance said: “I loved your Grace Note bit on the March-April issue of Burn.” and i think i made her cry. or close to tears.

amazing, how music (and other forms of art) can trigger lots of things.

movies having a bit of myself

the wedding planner – jennifer lopez’s character hated colored M&Ms. way before the movie was created, i hated and continue to hate, abhor, colored M&Ms, and only had an eye for the brown M&Ms. imagine my look when i encountered the scene where she was throwing the colored bits. a friend did a very sweet thing one time: he got a colored bit and removed the colored shell and gave me the denuded chocolate. thank you.

amelie – this is quite embarassing. i hope you treat this as our secret. everytime, as in everytime i pass a place with motels or hotels (e.g. Glorietta area studded with hotels), i wonder how many couples are having sex at that very moment. this habit is very quirky, i know, but it’s very me. i look up towards the lit and unlit rooms and a playful smile crosses my face. in amelie, she does this exactly: wonders how many are having sex at that very moment, and she smiles. the scenes depicting her thoughts are various coupling scenes: women hissing, women moaning, women saying “oops” when coming. when i encountered this scene, i got goosebumps. somewhere over the atlantic, there are people (the movie’s writer or director or screenplay writer) who think like me.

the addams family – wednesday addams with her invisible veil of gloom and despair. i rest my case.

monsters, inc. – i love boo. so much.


i just realized, thanks to a casual conversation, the summary of my personality.
in a nutshell: i am a genuinely angsty person trying with all her best to be happy.
i realized this when i was again “reading” a person. this person, i realized, is genuinely happy, who is trying to be angsty. and then i reversed my formula.

if they find water on the moon
if they discover life on mars
does it mean you’ll be home soon?
can i hold you in my arms?
i want to believe in miracles
i need to believe in miracles
if i could go, i’d be there.

-water on the moon, cindy bullens


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