i am single again after so many years. thank you to rare true friends who are a comfort to me. you will never know how much your catching me means to me. i haven’t told my high school friends yet; they’d be devastated. that’s how they love me. i’m not comfortable telling it to some college “friends”. i imagine myself a wolf, sensing for a rise and fall of raw smells. i can catch whiffs of insincerity, that’s why. if i have the liberty, i would have bitten some people on their necks and leave them to wallow in their stench.
i don’t need pity, i don’t need sarcasm, i don’t need snide remarks, i just need to feel real. to feel a hand on my back, get a quick hug, receive a short note. all those are fleeting, but they make me buoyant in this sea of sadness.
for those wondering if it can be saved, it can’t be. that’s the reality. for those wondering whose fault, it’s mostly mine. for those wondering how i feel, i feel really rotten for hurting one of the most beautiful, true persons on earth. for those still willing to welcome me back with open arms, thank you. i haven’t cried about this. somebody who’s just wonderful and sweet wondered aloud: “maybe you’re cold inside.” seems nobody can thaw me after all.
side note: it’s interesting to note people’s reactions to this news. most people are endearing, their reactions leave a catch in my throat. but some are just fucking insincere i can almost see their sneers behind their smiles. they seem to be the ones who celebrate wantonly inside when there’s a tragedy. this type of person i want to poke, see if they still feel anything. sickening. >> yep, upper, strike 3 na. 🙂
this poem i gave to a dear friend when her boyfriend and herself parted ways. it’s my turn to live and breathe this poem.
Love after Love
by Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
****update: yesterday (may 22), he tried to contact me. there’s a “missed call” notification on my phone; i wasn’t able to answer his call. i don’t know what he wants, but i sure hope that everything’s really over between us. we’re both tired, but he’s gotten beaten up more. sometimes, love ain’t enough. remember the lyrics? >> But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much/ And it’s sad when you know its your heart you cant trust/ There’s a reason why people dont stay where they are/Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough….
((thanks, sir adel, for listening to me. ))