i was going through my blog entries, and i realized, hell, i’ve been such a messed-up little girl.
it’s not in the way i work up my career. it’s not in the way i handle friendships. i figured i’ve been so messed-up with the way i put little value in my parents’ presence. i’ve been so hurt by their separation, their self-serving stories, their cheating habits, that i’ve never gotten around to mustering enough tenderness for them.
i guess perky and happy people who haven’t experienced this sort of baggage will just say to me to move on and forgive. but i did—i’ve moved on, and i’ve forgiven them, i’ve even forgiven myself, but you know how it is when something still haunts you? even if you try to shake it off, it still has a strong hold on you.
i plan to visit my dad soon, and i hope that in those moments with him, i’d learn to hold his hand with enough tenderness.
“that’s how much it hurts, that’s how much it will remain hurting, you just decide to erase things.” – taken from my entry entitled ‘feeling like a coaster’ (april 2, 2007)
coni tejada is a close friend of mine way back from college. we call each other “Hon”. i guess we do that due to the latent Sapphos in us, or simply, we care that much for each other.