[Yes, I am still alive, folks. Crazy, right? :>]
[This entry was drafted weeks back.]
I almost always leave the ones who show me tenderness. I am allergic to people exhibiting tenderness toward me. I feel it is a put-on, a show, something insincere and transitory. While most people are excited about relationships, I always ready myself for the end. That’s how I am. However and whenever we part, know that I have exhausted mental energy plotting, choreographing, and directing the versions of the characters in my head way ahead of the actual parting.
It’s not a good way to live a life — preparing for the end of all things and ties. Top this with a faulty memory, and there lies the tragedy. Top this further with my drive to prioritize convenience over emotional ties, and there lies the grain of the matter: All for my benefit, all for my convenience, comfort, and welfare.
The worst that people said to me or about me are the following: “You’re a bitch.” “You’re vicious.” “Wow, walang puso [i.e., heartless].” My perpetual response: “I love animals.”
But nature/life/universe/playful gods made sure that I don’t go scot-free.
They have given me deep obsession for music — well-crafted, well-arranged music.
When a person leaves a mark in my life (which is quite rare, to be blunt about this), I tend to associate him or her with a song. Mind you, I never recycle a song (key persons, I tend to ‘recycle,’ but that’s altogether a different story and adventure). I pride myself in an eclectic taste and a wide swathe of songs in my collection inversely proportional with the depth I feel toward people.
So sometimes when I listen to a song, a wave or a flick of memory washes over me, hits me, and then leaves me full of questions. The best part about this? It’s so quick and so transitory that I let go of it in the blink of an eye, and everything is light and bright once again. It’s as if I paid a visit to Lacuna, Inc. years back and had my memories erased. Only in rare times does the procedure fail and reveal its errors, but for the most part, the procedure is a success.