Category Archives: lightness and weight

dolores o’riordan have sung about this

So strange to have two friends from different circles tell me that they dreamt of me.

Person A dreamt of me last Monday.

Person B dreamt of me last Friday.

Person A was happy to beat person B for having that dream about me first. Very funny to be competitive that way. And they haven’t even met each other.

I am seldom in touch with these two (but I am very much entitled when I bug them for favors haha) so it’s strange for them to have me in their thoughts.

Odder still for person A to have dreamt of something that I have recently been doing, which person A never had a clue about.

Funny and strange, right?

An acquaintance also describe me very aptly when we were having a senseless banter online: “Nene-looking ka kasi / but a deadly one.”

Like a poison in a nondescript bottle, like a bad LSS on loop.

(I miss writing here. I have been busy with work and with watching TV series and just bumming around and listening to music and obsessing over Fassbender. This blog took a backseat. Poor blog.)

Dancing it out, writing it out

I have not been writing for months.

My job and life drain me. As it is, I don’t have a family of my own, but the upkeep of the house and those that belong inside my house is taxing. But I am lucky enough. Every one that counts is healthy, the furry kids are healthy, I despite my illnesses am struggling to be healthy, my job gives me security.

Today, I decided to watch the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy season 10. This season is closer to my heart because it has the character, Cristina Yang, as the focal point in the latter part of the season. She is who I am in the series, and her decisions, her words, and some of her choices would have been mine if she were an actual person and I were in her shoes.

In the series, she leaves for another job in Switzerland, and I am proud of her as if she were a real friend.

Cristina’s “person,” a.k.a. best friend and light, Meredith, pushes her to leave Seattle for good and fly to Switzerland, no more excuses and enough of Cristina’s wish to finalize the small things. Thinking that Cristina is on her way to the airport, Meredith is surprised to see her back in the hospital.

Cristina: “We have to finish. We have to dance it out. That’s how we finish.”

Cristina and Meredith

Cristina and Meredith

As an aside: For those people who know me, I LOVE to dance. As to my cats, they know I love to dance. They have seen me in my underwear and without, dancing whatever it is out. They have suffered through my dance-outs to even start caring.

Meredith chooses a song close to my heart. It was one of the first songs I learned how to play on the ukulele, and it remains one of the songs of the band that never fails to knot my heart’s strings.

The song was Tegan and Sara’s Where Does the Good Go?

I had an idea that a Tegan and Sara song was to be used in that scene. I guessed that it would be Hop a Plane or Where Does the Good Go?

It’s always good to be partly right. It’s better to be fully right.

Like Cristina, I still need to do crazy things that I promised to do with one or two people. I still need to keep my word about skinny dipping with Jepoy and about dancing with Kat in a cemetery with us wearing tutus and tiaras. I still have to visit more lighthouses, a pact I made with myself and with the creatures I bring with me when I travel. I still have to write more poems. I still have to find or realize who my person is. I still have to do a lot of mental dredging, maybe see my brain doctor, or maybe just dance it off.

Here is the dance-out scene, Grey’s Anatomy, season 10 (copyrights belong to the proper parties, not to me)

And if you want to reminisce, here are more Cristina-dominated dance scenes (copyrights belong to the proper parties, not to me).

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The months in music

2013 was steeped in music in my case. There was the Tegan and Sara concert in Singapore; there was the Metric concert in Taguig; there was another Tegan and Sara concert right here in Manila.

2014 started off with a blast thanks to music again. I attended the Febfest concert in Pasig, a two-leg concert featuring Warpaint/Mogwai on the first week and Buke and Gase/Youth Lagoon/The National on the second week.

The first week was awesome. The lovely girls of Warpaint signed my CD and poster and even called me “Eveeee” Wall-E style. They performed impressively, to say the least. Mogwai was in their element, and the people swelled in number when it was time for Mogwai to perform.



The second leg of the Febfest saw a tremendous number of attendees. The noise and craft of Buke and Gase were amazing; Youth Lagoon did not disappoint.

Buke and Gase

Buke and Gase

Youth Lagoon

Youth Lagoon

The National was a different story. The band was hypnotic. Matt Berninger knew how to make a sizzling performance. Credit that to beer and adrenaline, to a crowd that adored him and sang with him in every song he belted out.

The National

The National

Matt was also a challenge to the security team. He came dashing toward us and made a motion of leaping toward the audience. It was funny because one of the spots he chose from the mosh pit area was the one where there were mostly girls. Not to be sexist but our frames were not built to catch someone like Matt wishing to crowd surf. Check out my YouTube page with this video and wait for that moment when everything slipped off from the frame because I was jostled and pushed back and away from Matt (apologies for the audio). I was able to touch Matt’s chest (more like his tuxedo) before the crowd swelled and elbowed me away.

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Metric’s Manila concert

A fallen angel with a halo of blond hair set on fire by neon lights.

This was part of my thoughts when I was watching Emily Haines perform with her band, Metric. Her band is a powerful band. Every member is a powerhouse. Apart from Emily, James Shaw is a formidable musician.

November 2013 was the time of the Tegan and Sara concert. December was Metric’s time to wow her Manila-based fans. I was there at the concert venue with like-minded people. Metric is not at all mainstream; Metric occupies its own planet in the universe that is music, and we were happy to be part of its orbit.

To say that the concert was amazing was an understatement. Emily was on fire. Her signature moves and her perfect legs stole the show. At one point, her mic didn’t work, and half of the song was on mute. We sang with her, provided her the missing words.

What a dynamo

What a dynamo



She was touched by the strength and power of the crowd. We were relatively a small crowd, but it was a crowd that counted, that was perfect for Emily and James and Joshua and Joules. She promised she would return; I said a tiny prayer of affirmation after she made that promise.


A wild angel on keyboard

A wild angel on keyboard

Emily's creative 'partner', James Shaw

Emily’s creative ‘partner,’ James Shaw

I was behind two very tall guys. I hated them from the start to end of the show.

I was behind two very tall guys. I hated them from the start to end of the show.


Lovely, lovely James Shaw

Lovely, lovely James Shaw

She closed the concert with Gimme Sympathy. There was a female foreigner who decided to park herself beside me. As Emily sang Gimme Sympathy, every one felt the song’s power. It was like the song magnetized us. We felt the words. The foreigner felt the song so much that she suddenly held me and swayed me. The swaying was alright during the chorus part, but I felt awkward from the second stanza onward. I finally got to pry my arm away from her when it was time to applaud the band.

When my companion was ready to start the car, I told him about what happened with the female foreigner. He exclaimed, “I thought you guys were hooking up!”

And so it was that we closed this sacred day with a “face palm” moment.

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Tegan and Sara concert

Back in May 2013, B and I went to Singapore to catch Tegan and Sara Quin perform live at Esplanade Hall.

B and I

B and I

On November 25, 2013, we joined young and seasoned fans of the duo at NBC Tent for a first ever concert here in Manila.

Of course, S-siders stayed near Sara's side

Of course, S-siders stayed near Sara’s side

It was a crazy night. I was squished in between B and a fat guy who was with his girlfriend. This fat guy had on a preppy outfit. He was sweating profusely despite the air conditioning. Even as I was jostled from time to time (and elbowed back I did) by this sweaty creep, I stood my ground. I was close to the stage as possible with a fleet of fans in front of me. I danced, I shouted, and I grew quiet with the crowd. The opening act led by Up Dharma Down was a mini concert in itself, and of course, Armi Millare was hot and roared her way to a dazzling finish.

Fans of Tegan and Sara were waiting for the banter. We wanted to hear their stories, we wanted to know where they went and what they ate during their Manila visit. We wanted them to rib each other and spill stories about the other. But they sang on and on, tracks from the latest album interspersed with tracks from previous brilliant albums. At one point, Tegan explained that it took them a long time – 14 years – to drop by and so they were giving us song after song to make up for lost time.

Sara dearest

Sara dearest

I saw lots of fans from a Tegan and Sara fan group that I am part of. I saw familiar faces in the crowd. We all had one purpose: We were there for the twins and for their songs; we were a community of fans and friends.

A day before the concert, I was given the once in a lifetime chance to be part of a mini press conference to interview the twins. I found myself seated two feet away from Sara. I found myself losing it from within when Tegan flashed her familiar smirk. I was able to form a coherent string of words for me to fire a question at them. When they answered, I felt dorky. I knew I had my dorky face on, but I remained calm outside. Inside, I was a quivering mess; that facet had since wet her pants the minute the twins walked into the press con venue.

Tegan's to-die-for smirk

Tegan’s to-die-for smirk

With Sara (insert silent scream here)

With Sara (insert silent scream here)

Like it's a normal event that happens all the time: a hug from Tegan with her squeezing me CLOSER

Like it’s a normal event that happens all the time: a hug from Tegan with her squeezing me CLOSER

What a lovely blur

What a lovely blur

Quin twins sandwiching Mendoza siblings

Quin twins sandwiching Mendoza siblings


Here was what I wrote about that press con on my Google+ account (apologies for my quoting myself but this is very meta, don’t you think, tee-hee):

I was lucky enough to be given a spot in the mini press con with Tegan and Sara. I was able to fire one question to them, all the while feeling dorky and overwhelmed. I gifted them with something, and I had my ukulele signed by them. The twins were very gracious and very humble. At one point, I asked Tegan to sign my tiny notebook. I forgot to ask Sara to sign the same page, but I saw Tegan reminding Sara to sign my notebook! What a sweetheart. And that hug and squeeze from Tegan made my week. And Sara, oh Sara, who was just two feet away from me. They were just mesmerizing.

My Sara Bean sporting her latest tattoos

It was not only me who had special encounters with the twins. There were those who had VIP passes at the concert. There were those who were part of the meet and greet gathering in Greenbelt. Special shout-out to Miwa who staged a mini story with her photo shoot with the twins. My gifts for the twins consisting of mug holders and story books paled in comparison with the ultra artistic creations of other fans ranging from illustrated cookies to a rendition of the twins as mermaid-birds.

Up to this day, our fan group is still nursing a post-concert depression. There was one fan that opted not to remove her concert wrist band for more than a week. I, up to this very day, can’t play my ukulele because I now see it as priceless. We continue to post comments on videos other resourceful fans would share.



With Urbandub's Lalay Lim (my date! Haha, I wish!) (Also, ignore my oily face)

With Urbandub’s Lalay Lim (my date! Haha, I wish!) (Also, ignore my oily face)

The twins have played in other cities and countries by then. They have toured the Great Wall of China and consequently have been seen from space. We are still here where they left us, drowning in the echoes of their voices.

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Just in case you didn’t notice, I haven’t blogged for a long time. A lot and nothing have happened.

People know that I thrive in secrecy. The personal life that you know about me is just the tip of the iceberg. However, I want to share with you this part of my life because it is about my “person,” Timon.

Timon has been in the animal clinic for a week and a day. She had a miscarriage (this was weeks after her four-day old kitten died from Timon’s previous pregnancy), and she almost died because of massive bleeding. I am grateful to V for rushing Timon to the clinic the moment V saw her unconscious on the living room floor. Now, Timon is less fragile yet still not out of the woods yet. Every night, I fear that I would receive a call from her doctor telling me that she’s gone ahead of me. The first night that she was confined, I talked to her like I would a dear friend confined in a hospital. And then I whispered to Timon something I never told anyone, something that was part plea and part prayer.

The first night she was confined, the doctor discussed her condition with me, and I just couldn’t stop myself from crying. Her friend and constant fuck mate, Wonton, seems sad and depressed since Timon’s confinement. He’s stopped eating with gusto, and he’s been sluggish. Because of this, I’ve allowed him to sleep in my bed. He is my snuggle buddy, and he thrives in cuddles. Both of us have this deep ache in our hearts, and our purring has not been of contentment but something carved out of desperate fear.

for you, this october

I’ve written that October for me spells sadness. October is sadness, just as September is sunshine, just as April is madness and jest.

This is the death month of my stepmother.

Every year, I write about October and about her being dead as ever, since 2000.

The movie version of Harry Potter portrayed Luna Lovegood as being able to see thestrals that are only seen by those who have seen death (my reference is the movie, not the book; I am not a Harry Potter book whiz). When I saw this bit, I teared up and instantly liked Luna Lovegood. Incidentally, Luna is the maiden surname of my maternal grandmother whom I adored fiercely.

I am able to see thestrals since I saw my stepmom die. I am able to see other things because of her death like seeing her smile on a stranger’s face or sensing her touch a fraction of a second from the merest physical contact. I was by her side when she died. I was the one who brought the news to people. This is the first time I admitted that here, to you. Every year, there is no salve that can cover the wound. The wound just dries up a bit, forms a scab, but beneath a hole gapes.

This year, I offer the songs Winter Never Comes by Paper Aeroplanes and Dream a Little Dream of Me by Ozzie Nelson. This has been my ritual since 2000: to offer songs to her on her death anniversary. People say the last sense to die is the sense of hearing. I’d like to think she can still hear me. I’d like to think songs can still reach her.

September 19

Today is Tegan and Sara Quin’s birthday. The universe did a good thing in creating them. They have inspired countless people, and their music over the years have elicited different reactions.

Outtakes from their "Body Work" music video

Outtakes from their “Body Work” music video

It’s not only because they’re artists, and they’re creative, and they’re genuinely good people. It’s also because they’re practical people. Tegan and Sara create jobs for their staff. They pay their taxes, they sell merchandise, and they encourage complimentary businesses to grow with their brand. It’s so admirable and sexy the way they embody practicality. Whenever I watch videos of them, I look at their hands. Their hands are longish and have a brute force beneath their softness. I judge people by three things: 1) their voices; 2) their respect (or lack) toward animals; 3) the weight and sense of utility of their hands. Tegan and Sara have long aced these standards.

Advocacy is part of the work of their hands.

Advocacy is part of the work of their hands.

I am getting teary recalling my trip to Singapore to see them. They are a part of me, and I am glad I know and I know of kindred souls who get me and my obsession with them. I plan to buy a box or a truckload of cake tonight or cans of beer to celebrate. I need to stop; I do not wish to get more teary and wobbly. This fan might start to gush, and you won’t like it when I start to gush.

(copyrights belong to the respective owners of the photos uploaded here. i do not claim ownership for the photos.)

Water everywhere

There are interests and hobbies that stay and there are some that (I let) go. Just like people.:) Being an ardent monster of recycling, I find myself recycling a person or two in terms of ties (more on this in a future WordPress blog entry and its link with my fascination toward GGM’s theme in his book, One Hundred Years of Solitude) and recycling interests.

When I was in college, my sister and I would go to Rizal Complex for our weekly swim. We hired a coach to coax out the inner Phelps and Franklin just bobbing within us. I learned the backstroke, breaststroke, and the butterfly kick but never the freestyle. My body is not aligned for swimming, but I kicked and treaded water as if I had been born in it.

This I wrote in a letter to a friend: “When I swim, I keep my eyes open, but sometimes, I end up closing my eyes. The silence is very palpable, and the sensation of moving without impediments (or the illusion of their absence) like gravity, objects, pollution, is freeing.”

There is a painting of Ophelia done by British artist John Everett Millais that has a special place within me. That painting reveals myriad meanings to me, and it is never flat and finished for me. Like a spectre just swimming in the periphery, that painting continues to arrest with its absent answers.

When I swim, the voices in me grow calm and silent. I think they follow the flow and speech of water or they realize that they are home.

Recently, I have swum in a well-maintained pool in Makati. I would do laps of breaststroke and backstroke and let my head stay underwater for as long as I can for the dolphin kick. Once, I tried the arm stroke of the butterfly stroke, and I landed on the surface flat and hard. Jolted, I felt the suspension of pain, but there was water and silence swirling everywhere salving the impact.


the day the yellow creatures came or ba-na-na!

(pasintabi at pasasalamat, Bienvenido N. Santos, for the title)

I love yellow except when it was used as a banner color for a political party. That was when I hid my fascination under a rock like hiding a bright ball of sun underneath a chunk of meteorite.

I love animated aliens and TV show aliens such as Vicki/VICI of the TV show, Small Wonder, and the three-eyed alien in the Toy Story trilogy.

Three-eyed aliens! <3 (from

Three-eyed aliens! ❤ (from

So when the minions came to town through Despicable Me 1, imagine my utter giddiness. Yellow and capsule-like, they loved playing pranks on one another and talking dorky and adorable — just my kind of people. Couple that with the siblings, Margo, Edith, and Agnes (“It’s so fluffy, I’m gonna die!!!”), and everyone (even those who hate fluffy things!) fell in affection and tenderness for them.

Fast forward to 2013, the year of Despicable Me 2’s showing. Imagine my happiness when I found out that McDonald’s bundled their Happy Meals with minion collectibles! As of this writing, nine minions have been up for grabs once you happy-binge on Happy Meals. And I did three times in a row two Mondays ago to claim three minions. The fourth minion came from V, and I am awaiting one more from a dear friend.

My fascination doesn’t stop there. On July 1, 2013, I went to Lucky Chinatown Mall, Binondo, to take part in Despicable Me 2 Meet and Greet with Stuart and Jerry. If it were not for the meet and greet, I wouldn’t have bothered going to Lucky Chinatown Mall since it’s way out of my route back to my place.

Lennon & the minions

Lennon & the minions

We went there with V’s friend and her son, Lennon (a darling angel and a sweet, sweet boy), and waited to meet and greet my yellow friends. We were the first to spot them emerging from a cinema and led by the bosses of Lucky Chinatown. I couldn’t stop myself from squealing with joy, and in a blink of an eye, people started crowd around and taking photos. Believe me, if there were alien royalty, Jerry and Stuart would be serious contenders.

Giddy me!
Heehee, even their hair strands tickle me pink

Heehee, even their hair strands tickle me pink

I immediately staked a place in line and waited for my turn. When my turn came, it was a dream reunion come true. I was so giddy I felt I was going over the moon and over satellites and back!

Yellow creatures!

Yellow creatures!

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